Etiquette has changed a lot since the days of Emily Post.
"The focus has changed to what the needs are," says local expert Dr. Patsy Hallman, who provides etiquette lessons each year to the ladies of the Nacogdoches Heritage Festival.
Christy Wooten/The Daily Sentinel |
Local etiquette expert Patsy Hallman, pictured, suggests leaving cell phones in the car or at home when in company. She says if someone is expecting a call, they should excuse themselves and take the call in another room so as to not disturb the company of others.
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Christy Wooten/The Daily Sentinel |
Patsy Hallman teaches etiquette at the Jones House in April at a Christian Women's Job Corp luncheon.
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Today's etiquette includes not only the fundamentals of good table manners and politeness, but also other essentials such as the proper use of cell phones and e-mail and how to conduct oneself at a typical business lunch or dinner, Hallman says.
"All of these things are just taking the time to think about how others will perceive you," she says.
Hallman recently took some time to share some of her own rules of etiquette with Charm, noting how to politely act in varying situations or circumstances.
Thank you notes
These should be written when someone does something nice for us or gives us a gift, and we are not immediately able to thank them, Hallman says.
"If we're in their presence, and we can thank them, then a thank you note is not required," she says, adding that if it's mailed or sent through a friend or family member, a thank you note is a must.
For example, she says, if a person's grandmother came to their house for Christmas and gave them a gift, then that person would be able to thank their grandmother right then. But, if she mailed the gift or sent it by someone else, a thank you note would be required.
Hallman says when writing a thank you note, there are three important parts. The first is to thank the person for something specific, whether that be what they did or for the gift. Then, she says, write something nice about either what they did or the gift. And, finally ending the note with a different topic. Hallman suggests that individuals who write thank you notes to people outside of their family include their first and last name, as the person may know more than one person with their name.
In addition to thank you notes, letters should also be sent out when someone in your work environment or amongst your friends loses someone they love and to compliment someone on a job well done. "Those things cannot be beat for building good relationships," Hallman says.
Dining out
Order with confidence, Hallman says.
"Try to be decisive when your time comes," she says, adding that a person who responds to the waiter with, 'I'll have the fish. No. The chicken. No. Did you say the steak is better?' appears indecisive and in an unattractive position.
Hallman says when attending a charity dinner or a dinner party, you should always wait to begin eating when those around you have been served.
"If it's a long table, you want everyone on both sides of you and across from you to have been served (before you begin to eat)," she says. "If it's a table of six or eight, then you wait until everyone has their food."
She says to remember that eating out is a social event, as well as a meal, and people should eat a little and talk a little.
The cell phone
Unless you're expecting a call, leave it at home or in the car when you go to places like dinner or church, Hallman says.
"There's nothing more embarrassing than your cell phone to go off in church," she says.
Hallman says if you're expecting a call, then excuse yourself, and leave the room to take the call.
"What's irritating is when someone suddenly gets a call and then takes it right there," she says, adding that makes it harder for people around them to enter or continue a conversation.
She recommends that anytime a person needs to take a call, whether in a formal environment such as church or a causal lunch with friends, they need to excuse themselves and leave the room to take the call.
RSVPs
If there is an RSVP on an invitation, then it is a must that you reply, and do so as quickly as possible, Hallman says.
She says when declining an invitation, a person should say how delighted they were to receive the invitation, but that they have another commitment.
"The commitment might be to go home and wash your hair, but that's still OK," she says, with a laugh.
The same phrasing can be used when one finds themselves at an event they wish to leave.
"If you find yourself in a place where you, in good conscience, cannot participate in, then politely make your excuses and leave," she says.
For example, "Thank you Marianne for inviting me to this cocktail party, but I have another commitment this evening and I must go. I just wanted to come by and say 'hello.'"
Hallman says just be tactful when excusing yourself or declining an invitation.
Introductions
A lot of people get uptight about how to make introductions, Hallman says.
"But, the only real faux pas is not doing it," she says.
If you don't remember the person's name, you can do all sorts of things. One example might be, "Oh Michele, I want you to meet this lady; she was my high school teacher," or "Leon, these ladies are from the Sentinel, introduce yourselves to my husband while I go run and get us some coffee."
Strangers are uncomfortable if they haven't been introduced, she says, and a person isn't being polite if they don't see that one takes place.
Striking up a conversation with strangers
You can always strike up a conversation with a question. For instance, if you're at a garden tour, you can say, "Good morning; my name is Patsy Hallman. This is such a lovely place, are you a gardener? Do you grow herbs? Have you been here before?"
"They can't help but begin to talk to you a little bit," she says. "The rule is you can always initiate a conversation with a question."
Patsy Hallman is the author of more than 10 books that range from etiquette for young adults to historical biographies. A complete listing of them can be found at www.hallmanbooks.com.
