Redemptive Divorce, by Mark W. Gaither
(Thomas Nelson, 157pgs, $15p)
"At present much of the evangelical world has battled itself to a stalemate on the issue of divorce," writes Mark Gaither in his book "Redemptive Divorce." As a sad consequence, he continues, "(the church) has left many suffering believers isolated and directionless. The implied message is, 'We know you're enduring unimaginable pain and may even be risking bodily harm, and we don't know what you should do about it. But for goodness' sake, don't seek a divorce.' Not only does this fail to offer hope or provide leadership but also creates an incubator for sin, both for the unrepentant partner as well as the suffering spouse. Clearly, something must be done. But what? How do we resolve this no-win scenario?"
A century ago, when the national divorce rate was microscopic, it was easy for clerics to rail against divorce — it hardly affected anybody within hearing range. But today, with almost ever other adult in a typical American congregation having experienced divorce, it requires a bit more pastoral finesse to navigate the subject, if the pastor expects to retain those members. Divorce is now a theological hot topic and, as Gaither observed, the church is now at a stalemate on the issue. Simple proof texts condemning divorce will no longer keep already-wounded sheep in the fold, nor will trying to convince them to stay in a severely dysfunctional or dangerous marriage. Just reminding people that "God hates divorce" accomplishes little. Everyone hates divorce — especially those who are suffering through one. And those who have experienced its trauma do not need a theological crash course on the subject. What they need to know is that there is grace and redemption available to them and, asked "can the marriage be salvaged and healed?"
Gaither proposes a "redemptive" approach. Rather than placing the responsibility on the "upright" spouse to hang in there, through thick and thin, he transfers liability for saving the marriage on the offending spouse, who, in fact, controls the destiny of the union. If you are the victim of marital unfaithfulness or abuse, Gaither writes, "you have suffered long enough. You have endured the well-meaning exhortations of friends and family to remain faithful to your wedding-day promises, you have borne the consequences of your spouse's sin, you have exhausted every means of restoration, you have loved without reservation, you have returned good for evil, you have sacrificed your dignity and self-respect for the sake of the household. You have done well. You have done more than most would do, including those who advise you to 'hang in there.'" Gaither does not see passivity as a solution but offers a proactive, tough-love approach to infidelity or cruelty in a marriage, including an appendix to the book that provides a checklist of needed legal forms to a inventory of priorities needed for negotiating a settlement.
While acknowledging that marital separation, even divorce, sometimes cannot be avoided and may even be necessary, Gaither feels that the resolution of an impending divorce rests primarily with the erring spouse. The victim is often too hurt to respond proactively to the offender's actions and "Redemptive Divorce" is offered to provide practical advice in how a wounded partner can and perhaps should respond.
