I've been in Atlanta, Ga., visiting children and grandchildren and to be with my daughter during a medical challenge that promises to have a very happy ending.
For the first time in my life, I recognized my mother in me. My daughter saw me in herself and both of us see all three in her 14-year-old daughter.
Alexia is a bright child who will enter high school this fall. She was recently honored as an academic scholar, having maintained a 3.80 grade point average throughout her elementary years.
Alexia is expressing typical adolescent changes in her day-to-day behavior. Her mother, my daughter, went through the same stage. I remember how my mother told me I had "attitude" at that age. My mother was told that she was "head strong" at age 15. Each generation deals differently with adolescent changes.
My grandmother was a no-nonsense "don't take no stuff" woman who raised 13 children with her husband on a farm in Panola County. My mother's behavior was corrected with nothing but a stern look. My behavior was corrected with a stern look and threat of bodily harm. My daughter's behavior was put in check with the look, the threat and taking away privileges. It takes all that, plus a prayer to the Lord above, to keep my granddaughter Alexia in line.
Despite the challenge of raising children in today's world, it is important that we apply some of the same methods our parents and grandparents used on us. Give them unconditional love and tell them that it is within their power to do anything and be anything that they really want to be. Tell them they can become an extraordinary person and never settle for being ordinary. Tell them not to use race, sex or the economy as an excuse for not reaching their goals. Yes ,they will experience obstacles but tell them to turn these obstacles into stepping stones.
In addition to love and encouragement, tell your children it is OK to be different, weird, or a "nerd." "Not fitting in," won't prevent them from being a success if they don't let it.
We need to ensure that our children learn to respect authority and treat everyone the way they want to be treated. While we all want to be alone some times, it is important that we learn how to relate to and interact with other people. This helps to shape our lives, our reputation and later, our careers.
It is also important to know where our children are, who they are with and what they are doing. We may not be able to do so 24/7 but it is worth it to make an effort to try.
My granddaughter thinks her mother is "so strict." My daughter thought the same thing about me, and I thought the same thing about my mother. When they tell you "All my friends are going" or "All my friends have this or that," tell them just as you were told: "You are my child and I am not concerned about what your friends do or have." This advice is especially true if their friends' behavior does not model what you want for your child.
Poet Maya Angelou said it best: "Everybody in the world wants the same thing. Everybody. Everybody in the world — the president of the bank and the drug addict — everybody at some point in his/her most private place wants the same thing. Everybody wants to be needed. Everybody would like a job that he/she can do well and for which there would be respectable compensation. Everybody wants to love somebody ... everybody wants safe streets, safe homes, good food to eat ... Everybody. There's no mystery."
Adolescents are on a path seeking their place and identity. The rite of passage from childhood to adulthood often proves a challenge for the child as well as the parent.
Major life changes can be traumatic for most people. All cultures have prescribed ways for a specific society to deal with physical and emotional transitions of life. In our country, these rites are recognized through school graduation ceremonies, weddings, bar mitzvahs, confirmations, retirement celebrations and yes, funerals. These ceremonies help the individuals make the transitions with family and friends pass through an often emotionally tense times.
The passage from childhood to adulthood is longer, and involves physical and emotional change. Parents can help by providing unconditional love, encouragement and a firm hand, and not let them use the physical and emotional upheaval as an excuse to do what they want to do.
My mother, my daughter and I all went through it, with each generation dealing with it in different ways. My grandmother dealt with her adolescent changes by getting married at age 14. Although her parents consented, it was not what they wanted for her.
We all survived the process, just like Alexia and my two other grandchildren who are going through this stage will make it through. Four or five generations of "strict" parenting in my family paid off and with the help of the Lord above it will continue to pay off.
Jeri Mills is a retired educator and a contributing writer.
